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Just Begin at the End, Ma’am

For the next two weeks both my head and my fingers are preparing for my favorite holiday of the year — Thanksgiving! So, instead of focusing on perfecting men (a very draining task indeed), I’m tuned into perfecting my Cranberry Chutney.

But as happy as this holiday makes my tongue, it’s not just about the food.  It’s about being very grateful for all the wonderfulness that is my life — especially the people.  And at the top of my list of folks for whom I’m very thankful, you’ll find yourselves. Thanks so much for reading my work and making me feel so good about it.

Many of you are aware that I’m suffering from what a dear friend refers to as my “refusal to give birth.” I completed my first novel several months ago, but I’m still stubbornly fighting the contractions. Someday, I’ll relax and let my baby make its debut.  But for now, this is its first breath.

Following is the opening chapter of Shoo, Fly!

🙂

Thurs 06/05/08

To say that it took ten minutes for Dick and me to profess our undying love for each other and shatter that wine glass amidst a shower of “mazel tovs!” would be a generous overstatement.  And for twenty years I served my sentence for that momentary lapse of sanity.

Except for its obvious permanency – and my aversion to pain – suicide sounded pretty tempting. But that would have left him and the next Mrs. Dick very rich and me – well, very dead. Not exactly a win-win. Fortunately, the clouds parted and I finally realized that my death wasn’t the only escape. Thus far, however, this prison break has cost three years of my life – and $300 an hour.

It would have been so much easier to just kill him.  It would certainly have been more cost-effective and my hairdresser wouldn’t have to work so hard to hide the newly acquired tinsel glittering in my mane.  Yes, widowhood would have been so much more appealing. I’d be free. I’d be rich.

And I look fabulous in black.

A very wise woman once shared with me that whenever she had a major decision to make, she simply listed her options and compared all the plusses and minuses. Putting it in writing, she said, always thinned the fog and made the choice easier, clearer and more logical. Hmmm … sounds like a plan.

Option: Suffocate the jackass with a pillow.

Advantage: Dick is dead.

Disadvantage: I might break a fingernail (these things are expensive).

Option: Drown him in the Jacuzzi.

Advantage: Dick is dead.

Disadvantage: Fat floats; I’d have to hold his head under. Need to work on my upper body strength.

Option: Auto-erotic asphyxiation.

Advantage: Dick is dead.

Disadvantage: He’d exit with a smile on his face and I refuse to give him that pleasure.

Option: Drug overdose.

Advantage: Dick is dead.

Disadvantage: It didn’t kill him in the 60’s … or the 70’s … or the 80’s … or the 90’s …

Option: Ground glass in his food.

Advantage: Dick is dead.  

Disadvantage: I think he’d notice the crunchy smelt eggs on his sushi.

Option: Hit Man.     

Advantage: Dick is dead.

Disadvantage: Jury not likely to buy my insanity plea.  And that orange jumpsuit would not be a very flattering look for me.

Shit!

How the hell did I end up here?  One more court date; one more continuance; one more thousand dollars beamed directly from my bank account to my attorney’s.

Is it too late to push him off the roof without the police suspecting foul play?

🙂

Again, many thanks.  Hope you enjoyed it.

And now my cranberries await me …

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About PD Williams

Writer - primarily humorous women's fiction. My secret agenda is to help men become in actuality the visions they think they already are. I point out their many flaws in the kindest, gentlest, most supportive way I know -- gotta protect those fragile male egos -- so we can stop wasting our energy trying to change them. After all, as women, we have more important things to do.

16 responses »

  1. Fantastic first chapter! I’m drawn in and want to read more! Well done, Mom!

    Reply
  2. Loved it, loved it, loved it!!! You made me laugh today!

    Reply
  3. I so enjoy reading your posts and your chapter was fun. Looking forward to the birth.

    Reply
  4. OMG! We are falling off our chairs in the this big sandy area!! Everyone crowds into my office to read the saga…….

    Reply
  5. Decisions, decisions, decisions. Very funny.

    Reply
  6. Absolutely hilarious! And I can’t read it without hearing your voice! I really enjoyed it.

    Reply
  7. Thanks, Jane! Happy to give you a laugh today 🙂

    Reply
  8. The day of the wedding and that crying kid in the background was a warning. Instead of breaking the glass and crunching it, you should have busted that glass over Dick’s head and kick him to the curb in that too tight of a gray suit. That would have been fun to watch, giving him back to his parents and sisters, sending all four of them back to San Diego. YES!!!!!!!!!!!

    Mom

    Reply
  9. Marvelous, hilarious, outstanding, superlatives won’t suffice. Thanks for being you is appropriate however.

    Reply

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