Oops! Where are my manners? You don’t speak Doxxie, do you? I’ll switch to English so you can understand. Sorry about that.
Hi, I’m Lilli (yes, half of the pair of “vicious guard dogs who can be bought for a good cookie or two”). I’m here with my brother Cliffie (the other half) to respond to last week’s post — I Do!? — on the possible re-hubbing of our mom. Oh, and to set the record straight, we can’t be bought with just any old cookies — we’re very partial to dried duck breast.
As much as we love her — and, as you can tell, we’ve spoiled our Alpha Bitch completely rotten — she can be a bit selfish at times. Not once in that list of reasons did we hear the impact the addition of a man to our household would have on us. And we are two-thirds of this pack! So we’ve decided to share with you our reasons for approving — unanimously — this idea.
Reason #1 – More vacations! Of course, Mom and NewAlphaMale will want to get away more. This is a win-win-win for us as our options are three. First option, we can go with them — and we love exploring new places (Cliffie is especially fond of new trees and fire hydrants). Second option, Grandma babysits (all the rules — especially that stupid two-cookies-a-day rule — go out the window when Grandma walks in the door). Third option, we go to doggie camp (we get to run wild and play with the other dogs; it’s a head-humping-heaven for me). Either way, vacations are nice.
Reason #2 – More doggie car rides! We love it when we all pile into our car — Hans — and go for a DCR. It really excites me when the wind blows through my hair and makes my ears flap in the breeze; Cliffie just loves riding with his mouth open. But Mom doesn’t like to drive — she prefers to ride. Adding to our pack a dog who loves to drive means we could take longer DCRs more often. Cliffie says he can already taste the bugs — nice, crunchy bugs.
Reason #3 – More cookies! Seriously? Do you really think Mom and NewAlphaMale will sit down and say “you give them cookies in the morning and I’ll give them cookies at night?” Yeah. Right. We’re talking hot and cold running treats here. We’d be too stuffed to beg. Oh, this would be nice.
Reason #4 – More butt-scratching! When we plop down on the sofa to watch television, Cliffie sits on Mom’s right and I sit on her lap. She only has two hands — one for each of us. Now, you do the math. Another lap comes with two more hands. And that means double the rubbies. Oh, oh, ohhhhhh yeah … Very nice.
Reason #5 – More walkies! There aren’t many things in the world to love more than walkies. Patrolling our territory, staking our claim, sniffing out invaders — and what they ate before they arrived — is a joy you hair-challenged dogs don’t appreciate nearly as much as we do. Oh, don’t feel bad. We think it’s because your noses are so far from the ground. Totally not your fault — it’s just the way God made you, poor things. That lap we mentioned earlier? Well it comes with two more legs as well. And that means double-dooty-duty! Yaaaaay for us! Nice!
Reason #6 – More snuggling! This one could be a little tricky. Right now, once we get all comfy on the bed, there’s just barely enough room left for Mom. She’s a big girl, you know. We’ll have to super-size to a king bed. That way, NewAlphaMale could fit on the bed too and he can take over the cold night mom-warming duties. Of course, it means that occasionally we’ll have to sleep in our own beds but, unlike a certain selfish someone else we know, we’re more than willing to make a sacrifice or two. How nice is this?
Reason #7 – More leftovers (this one deserves two exclamation points)!! Mom’s a fabulous chef, so when she cooks there are no leftovers. However, sometimes she goes out for dinner just so she can bring home a white-box for us! NewAlphaMale will take Mom out for dinner a lot. More dinners out for Mom mean more white-box goodies for us! All four paws in the air! Very, very nice!!
Reason #8 – NewAlphaMale will leave the toilet seat up (Cliffie insisted I add this one). Now, I’m perfectly happy with Mom’s Evian. But Cliffie? He likes the City of Simi Valley toilet water. Yuck — of course, Cliffie also likes the kitchen trash. And Alpo. Because he has such short little legs, the extra width of the toilet seat makes it hard for him to get his face in the bowl (he’s really funny when his fat little butt tips over and he falls in). If the toilet seat is up, however, he can get that face of his all the way down in there! Ugh, boys! Only Cliffie says this is nice.
Unless we’re missing something here, we don’t see a downside for us. While Mom howls and whines about what she’ll have to give up to expand the pack, we give the acquisition an enthusiastic two tails up! In fact …
Wait, Cliffie! I’m still typing!
What? Two bunnies and a squirrel!? A trifecta!
Sorry! Gotta run! New squeaker toys in the back yard!
Oops, so excited I almost forgot about Mom!
Sunday Silver Singles?
Where do we sign her up?