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Don’t Ask the Maytag Repairman To Fix Your Ferrari

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Awhile back, a few girlfriends and I were exchanging creepy date stories on Facebook. Suddenly, a male member of the chat group wandered into our little estrogen-charged bris-fest, lamented that women were confusing and asked exactly what the hell we wanted. Oh, the door he opened! We beat around the bush (no pun intended — well, okay, it was intentional) for a while and finally I put together answers to his laundry list of questions.

It occurred to me — as blind testosteroned beings lead other blind testosteroned beings through their collective darkness regarding us — some might actually be thankful for a lighted path. So here’s my response.

Sam,

I realize your questions regarding what women want were not directed to me specifically, but that’s never stopped me from butting in before:

(1) No. I, personally, have never gone on a date for free food and entertainment. I make my own money and I find myself very entertaining. If an evening out and a penis are all a man has to offer, I’m not interested. Besides, if I pay for my own meal, I can go home to a drama-free climax with my little battery-operated buddy — and no obligations.

(2) “Nice” guy? Many of us have defined repeatedly for you what constitutes a “nice” guy. But I’ll summarize them again: clean (ah yes, soap and water – such an inexpensive aphrodisiac), monogamous, gainfully employed, intelligent, humorous and chivalrous. If he’s a resident app in his momma’s house, that’ll crash any budding romance.

(3) With regard to kissing, ‘good’ is in the lips of the recipient. It’s not so much in the technique as it is in the perceived feelings that accompany the action. Funny thing about women – feelings are important. This is where so many of you fail. Kissing is like an appetizer — bad ones simply don’t entice us to salivate over the entrée — or to stay around for the dessert.

(4) It is far easier for a man to date than a woman. Women tend to be desperate because society defines them differently when they are “man-less.” Unfortunately, many women also tend to not like themselves very much. Many of them will accept garbage rather than be alone. There’s a lot of low-hanging fruit out there. Men just have to reach out and pluck it. Women who value themselves more highly are a little different. Be aware, however, that you’re not likely to find who you say you want slithering around bar stools (unless, of course, your passion is being the toad perched atop the bar stool). Try doing the things you enjoy and talking to us about those things. Treat us as if you’re looking for more than a place to park your prick.

(5) Internet dating sucks. It’s nothing more than an eBay for hook-up chasers. Sellers place their ads (most are lying of course, after all, they’re not trying to tell you the truth; they’re trying to get you to buy the product they likely can’t sell in person — is advertising ever truthful?). They assume that if they can “hook” you, they can attain barnaclehood once you’ve met. But if you insist, at least take advantage of the sacrifice I made to research them for you (Rating Online Dating). Ugh…

(6) You’re concerned about farting on a date? Honey, if she doesn’t know that men fart, you might want to check her encephalogram for signs of brain activity and put a mirror up to her nose to make sure she’s still alive. Of course, if it’s too pungent, you might have to do that anyway. And if a woman’s farts bother you, best thing you can do is get yourself a jar of Vaseline.

(7) Instead of worrying about a “pick-up” line, how about some honest conversation? When you walk up to a woman and open with “you’re cute,” you’ve just devalued her as a person. You deserve to be shot down, stomped and run over. If she backs up and runs you down again, figure you got off easy. Even the dumbest of women like it when you at least pretend to value the vacuums between their ears.

(8) I know this wasn’t one of your questions; this is a freebie. Just be happy with yourself. You will project that happiness outward as well and you’ll attract a woman who’s happy with who she is as she is and who doesn’t need you to ‘complete’ her. Besides, if you’re a sad sack and can’t stand your own company, what have you got to offer anyone else? Be honest; be genuine — both with yourself and your prospects. And, I realize it’s a dying art, but respect her — and yourself. That’ll get you farther than any of the dumb shit — oops, I meant insightful queries — you’ve posed to us.

Finally, Sam, I really do laud you for coming to the source with your questions. You came to the right place. Unfortunately, many of your brethren seek information regarding what women want by asking — uh, other men. That’s akin to getting lessons in kindness from the Marquis de Sade!

Now go forth and get laid.

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About PD Williams

Writer - primarily humorous women's fiction. My secret agenda is to help men become in actuality the visions they think they already are. I point out their many flaws in the kindest, gentlest, most supportive way I know -- gotta protect those fragile male egos -- so we can stop wasting our energy trying to change them. After all, as women, we have more important things to do.

2 responses »

  1. ……unless, of course, he’s a Ferrari mechanic moonlighting as a Maytag repair man.

    Reply

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