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Honey, You’re in the Wrong Mall

“As long as you’re doing all your shopping in Simi Valley, you will continue to find nothing better than Walmart and Target. If you want Lord & Taylor and Nordstrom, you’re going to have to hit the 118 and look outside this little box you call home.”

My daughter’s partner is a phenomenal project manager; she’s put herself in charge of managing my acquisition of a new victim husband. Over the best blackberry martini I’ve ever guzzled, she is mapping his route to my bedroom. I need all the help I can get; doing this on my own has been an abysmal failure. I tried the dating sites; twat solicitation is brisk on the internet. But in addition to what’s between my legs, there’s even more between my ears. Unfortunately, the latter is an electronic deal breaker. I’ve had some interesting introductions by friends. I think some 1950s mailman very generously sowed his wild oats; I’d swear my ex and all his ‘bros’ dropped like dead-ass leaves from the same slacker tree. So, I’ve spent the past year or so just doing the things I enjoy. My thought was that, at the very least, I’ll have had a good time. That route’s actually been quite fruitful; I have met some incredible guys. They’re like really good girlfriends…but with penises.

“Not only is the pool of eligible men in Simi Valley too small, it’s stocked with minnows not even worthy of your catch and release program. They’re looking for women who need them, who’ll make them feel like men. But you don’t need a man; you can take care of yourself.  You just want a man – one whose testosterone flows freely, one who already knows he’s a man. However, instead of shopping for Ferragamos at Bloomingdale’s, you’re scouring the shelves for them at the Dollar Tree.”

I suppose this is what’s meant by things coming full circle. It starts when our kids want to know where we’re going/with whom/when we’ll be home/if we’ll be sleeping alone. When my girls were younger, those were my lines; I miss them. I fear this is gently guiding me down the road to “Mom, let’s talk about nursing homes.”

“Considering that big fat check you send your last Kmart bargain every month, you might want to set your sights a little higher this time.”


“So, let’s get this show on the road. Why shop at Sears when you want Saks? Why buy at Big Lots when you deserve Bergdorf’s? Why knock around at the 99 Cents Store when Neiman Marcus is more on your level?

Now what’s your first step and by when will you take it?”


About PD Williams

Writer - primarily humorous women's fiction. My secret agenda is to help men become in actuality the visions they think they already are. I point out their many flaws in the kindest, gentlest, most supportive way I know -- gotta protect those fragile male egos -- so we can stop wasting our energy trying to change them. After all, as women, we have more important things to do.

4 responses »

  1. Hilarious and true!

  2. Well said!!


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