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Wanted: Wife?

Men, I get it.

So far this morning I’ve: done my banking, paid bills, washed the car and filled its tank, gone grocery shopping (then brought everything home, unloaded the trunk and put it all away), taken my critters to the groomer and gone to the dry cleaners. Fortunately, I didn’t have to do the laundry, clean the house or take care of the lawn. Thank goodness for housekeepers and gardeners.

I understand why you live longer when you get a wife. All you have to do is put in your 40 hours. Hell, your wife does that on a long weekend. During the week, she likely puts in as many hours taking care of your ass–and your spawn–as you do at work. And, if she has a job outside the home, oy vey… Yeah, I know–compromise, sharing household duties, blah blah bullshit–I’ve heard it all and it really does sound good, in theory. To top it all off, you get laid regularly and by the same person.

Dayum, if I were a man, I’d get me one of them there wives, too.

Alas, I was born with parts that exempt me from a career as a husband; I’d get the shitty end of the marriage stick. Uh, no thanks.

But, you know, maybe I can have the groceries delivered and hire a hunky personal assistant to handle everything else (uh, including me). I could get all the benefits of being a husband–without the worry of drama, community property and spousal support.

I think I’m on to something here…



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Disappointingly over 80% of marriages in California end in divorce. Why do we accept this? If 80% of all the cars we purchased were defective, we’d have a law against that. Oh, wait – we do. If 80% of all the cheeseburgers we purchased were tainted…oops – already got laws to protect against that too.

We have laws to protect us against everything — including ourselves. Husband-shopping should be covered by the same consumer protection laws aimed at keeping us from being fleeced by unscrupulous purveyors of other shoddy goods.

First, men should be labeled. Before we ever take them home for that first test tryst, we should know up front what kind of bug we’re inviting into our beds. Why wait until you file that first tax return to find out you’re stuck with a dependent in spouse’s clothing? This would be so much easier if there was a big yellow triangle plastered to his forehead that said: “Warning! In ten years I’ll want half!”  Adequately forewarned, we would certainly leave him on the shelf.

Men should come with a guarantee. Lemon Laws protect us against defective vehicles;  perhaps Weenie Warranties could protect us against defective men.  If you buy a car and it doesn’t work properly, you just take it back to the dealer and get it fixed.  Right? So it should be with men. If you get one and it doesn’t work, you should be able to take him back to his parents and just leave him there until they burn in that work ethic they should have perfected before they put him on the market.  They enjoyed the 60 seconds it took to make him. That they screwed up the years following that initial screw is their responsibility – not yours. They should stand behind their work. If they can’t fix him they should give you back your money and compensate you for having wasted your time.

Oh! A word of advice! Don’t take the loaner! If they’ve got another one lying around idle it’s likely equally useless. You certainly don’t want that!

Unfortunately, men don’t last forever. We should be able to flip each one over and check the expiration date tattooed on his butt – it should be right there next to the heart with “Mom” in the center. Oftentimes men are more than adequate – sometimes spectacular – during the acquisition phase. They wine you, dine you, shower and wear deodorant. And everything works (if you’re lucky, over and over again).  However, as they age only some men develop a nice patina – with a little pharmaceutical assistance they’re as good as new.  But many of them just grab a beer and plop down in front of the game on the big screen — hands in shorts — and rot.  Check the expiration date. If he’s close, you might want to consider carefully if he has other redeeming features that would make him a good investment. It’s a lot easier to hold onto your freedom and your wallet before the “I do’s” than it is to try and cash-out later.

Finally, there should be published a database of the malfunctioning models with full ownership and repair histories. Yes, I realize that with the forehead warning, this is a little redundant, but when you’re in love you can easily miss warning signs.  We do it all the time. I’ve even missed a few myself.  But before we make such a large, expensive and potentially non-refundable investment, we need to do our due diligence.  We should be able to go straight to the consumer guide, compare models, find common defects, weigh benefits and disadvantages and make informed decisions.

“Was-bands” can be very hazardous to our wealth. With a little homework – and an assist from a little government regulation – we could spend far fewer hours in court, save a crapload in legal fees and possibly even spare a life or two.